Certain things cannot be filled in with markers, paint and herb....

#reboot #refresh #restart :(

If there is no solution. there is no solution.
and I need to learn to be alone better.
Maybe I need to see a psychiatrist, normal people don't need companionship or shit like that.
I'm the fucked up one here. 

Starting to understand..

I am quite good at communicating off the cuff with people, even when it's going to be an awkward situation - what I'm not good at at this point - developing further relationships with people.  I'm an awkward person, my history of pretty much rejection and people doing whatever they can so I am NOT close to them - is totally adding up.  Even hugs are kind of weird for me now, that's no good.  I miss cuddling, I miss feeling even slightly normal.

shrug, to each their own track in life.
Mine just has to be a lonely one.

I wish someone would just kill me in my sleep

I am embarrassed with who I am.  I clearly am too weird for how things are - too quiet, too bassy, too abrasive, too political, too odd, too talkative, lack confidence, over and under skilled .  I should have been someone else.

I should have done a lot of things differently. So much to deal with in my stupid fucking head.

Fairytales are disingenuous

The fable is that there is at least one person out there for each person, I don't believe that anymore.

Faith is for the stupid.

And I was an idiot for so long.

Poof.

What I would really like to do..

is take more and more medication until I pass out. sorry, if that's not right. but I'm so unhappy with my life - and so poor - and so lonely -- as long as I don't cause my parents any type of medical bills I would just be happy not being able to be awake.

What I find interesting..

Gimme the Loot, a film I worked hard on won the fucking Grand Jury Award for feature film at SXSW (it was it's freaking premiere) - but none of you the ppl I know even say congratulations!

You can "like" the fuck out of someone's ridiculous post about their dinner or where they are going to go drinking - but aT can go fuck himself.  Who the fuck needs to feel proud about anything - who needs to be applauded for hard work and accomplishment. It's not art or important to me.. not fucking at all.

It is obvious no one gives a fuck about my future or career or maybe everyone things I artistically suck.
Because you know film is a fucking art form too, maybe it's all plastic and bullshit because of Hollywood to everyone else; but I've been focused on visual media/stories since I was 8. So fuck me for caring - fuck me for wanting to be good at something or pursuing a dream.

Oh except your Mom.  Well thanks Mom.

sometimes. i just wish someone would shoot me in the head and get it over with.
Things rarely feel right anymore - I am a toxin to stay away from .
I just wish it would end quick and simply